[ethinicsubhuman]

I keep thinking about how if I ever got surgery I would have to pretend it was all natural, like I just woke up one day and finally looked the way I always wanted to. And it eats at me because nothing ever seems to go the way I hope it will. I try so hard to fix things in my life or improve myself or at least feel like I am moving forward, but somehow everything keeps slipping through my fingers. It is almost funny in a sad way. Everyone talks about confidence and self improvement, but the moment you actually try to do something for yourself you have to keep it quiet because people judge everything. And then I sit there wondering why even the idea of looking good has to feel like another obstacle. I imagine myself walking around with these small changes that I had to fight for, hoping people think I just naturally turned out that way, but inside there is still this heavy feeling that no matter what I do, life keeps throwing things out of place. It feels like I am constantly trying to catch a break that never actually arrives, and I get tired of pretending it does not bother me. I just want one thing to work out the way I planned, whether it is my appearance or my life or anything at all. Sometimes it feels like I am begging the world for something simple, something that would finally go right for once, but it stays out of reach and I am left sitting with all these thoughts that never seem to quiet down.
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