Venting I really struggle with severe OCD (4 Viewers)

[Delusionaldesire]

First of all, intrusive thoughts:
(Read thoroughly!!)

My entire life my OCD has been feeding on my fears and self identity. Every year it has chosen a new thing to make me worry and stress about since the age of 5. First it was death then it was suicide after that it became loneliness. After a while it changed directions, it started attacking my self identity and confidence. It made me develop SO-OCD (The fear of being a sexuality that doesnt align with your feelings nor real thoughts) , or to be more specific HOCD. HOCD had me terrified of being gay even though i never felt sexual or romantic attraction to men my entire life. It influenced everything in my life, i tried fighting back and it made me act on intrusive thoughts i didnt want which made do things i dont want to recall. It fed on my dopamine receptors and trying to convince myself it would give me dopamine, which it never did. The word gay would instantly trigger this voice and its intrusive thoughts, luckily after a year it went away and i felt fully confident with who i am and i loved dating girls. But recently its feeding on another trigger with my self identity, its now suddenly starting to claim i apparently had gender disphoria. Which i can tell you I DONT. I love being a guy i love pussy and i love having a dick. I would never want to be a female. But because i went into a argument with the voice and brushed it off and told it im comfortable in my own body it started pushing further to annoy and perish me. My ocd loves to make me struggle and feed on my self identity or anything im confident about. Constantly bringing be down.

Second of all: Impulses:

My OCD has made me very impulsive individual. I often react before i think and mess things up, i often ruin social conversation because i accident say what i think. I act on impulses of intrusive thoughts no matter how bad they are. I fight my hardest to not give in to this unwanted urge but it happens either way. I often do clumsy things which i regret later and i cant reverse it. It has ruined relationships for me too. I often check things ive already check over and over because i feel like i forgot something, which causes me to come late for school alot of times.

Last of all: Obsessive thoughts

Whenever i have a unwanted thought about something my mind doesnt want to forget it. It remembers everything and keeps repeating it in my head, it could be songs playing over and over in my head throughout the day or voices telling me things i dont want to hear and which hurt me. My mind starts obsessing about anything i talk about or hyperfixate about, which causes me to lose interest fast in things that aren’t of my interest. While it gives me memory as strong of steel it really combines bad with my ADHD and autism. It has made me obsess over the slightest imperfections in someones behavior, face, height, body, personality and interests. This causes my brain to overwork and makes me go insane and start questioning everything i dare to think or do.

This was a high effort vent thread, PLEASE read thoroughly before replying.

Thank you guys for reading!!

 

[gaylarpmaster]

First of all, intrusive thoughts:
(Read thoroughly!!)

My entire life my OCD has been feeding on my fears and self identity. Every year it has chosen a new thing to make me worry and stress about since the age of 5. First it was death then it was suicide after that it became loneliness. After a while it changed directions, it started attacking my self identity and confidence. It made me develop SO-OCD (The fear of being a sexuality that doesnt align with your feelings nor real thoughts) , or to be more specific HOCD. HOCD had me terrified of being gay even though i never felt sexual or romantic attraction to men my entire life. It influenced everything in my life, i tried fighting back and it made me act on intrusive thoughts i didnt want which made do things i dont want to recall. It fed on my dopamine receptors and trying to convince myself it would give me dopamine, which it never did. The word gay would instantly trigger this voice and its intrusive thoughts, luckily after a year it went away and i felt fully confident with who i am and i loved dating girls. But recently its feeding on another trigger with my self identity, its now suddenly starting to claim i apparently had gender disphoria. Which i can tell you I DONT. I love being a guy i love pussy and i love having a dick. I would never want to be a female. But because i went into a argument with the voice and brushed it off and told it im comfortable in my own body it started pushing further to annoy and perish me. My ocd loves to make me struggle and feed on my self identity or anything im confident about. Constantly bringing be down.

Second of all: Impulses:

My OCD has made me very impulsive individual. I often react before i think and mess things up, i often ruin social conversation because i accident say what i think. I act on impulses of intrusive thoughts no matter how bad they are. I fight my hardest to not give in to this unwanted urge but it happens either way. I often do clumsy things which i regret later and i cant reverse it. It has ruined relationships for me too. I often check things ive already check over and over because i feel like i forgot something, which causes me to come late for school alot of times.

Last of all: Obsessive thoughts

Whenever i have a unwanted thought about something my mind doesnt want to forget it. It remembers everything and keeps repeating it in my head, it could be songs playing over and over in my head throughout the day or voices telling me things i dont want to hear and which hurt me. My mind starts obsessing about anything i talk about or hyperfixate about, which causes me to lose interest fast in things that aren’t of my interest. While it gives me memory as strong of steel it really combines bad with my ADHD and autism. It has made me obsess over the slightest imperfections in someones behavior, face, height, body, personality and interests. This causes my brain to overwork and makes me go insane and start questioning everything i dare to think or do.

This was a high effort vent thread, PLEASE read thoroughly before replying.

Thank you guys for reading!!

so like do you have like gender dismorhpia or

 

[Melas]

\I read the whole thing and honestly, I get why ur like thus , OCD is literally the worst because it finds whatever you actually care about and tries to convince you of the exact opposite, and arguing with it just makes it louder., so getting caught in those thought loops or acting impulsively makes total sense. None of those thoughts fr define u
If you wanna get out of this cycle, your best bet is finding a therapist who specifically knows OCD and does something like ERP, since normal like sometyimes therapists don't always get how intrusive thoughts work. You don't even have to explain all the details someone important, or your doctor something like, "Hey, my OCD and intrusive thoughts are getting way too overwhelming and I really need to see a specialis or smt." While you're waiting to get set up, try to stop debating the thoughts when they pop u and let it pass. You got this getting the right help makes things so much easier.

 

[Delusionaldesire]

so like do you have like gender dismorhpia or

no not all, im happy being a man and i have always been but anything that threatens my self identity terrifies me deeply in my heart. Because i know its not me but the thoughts wont stop. I once almost had developed POCD (pedo OCD) just because of one intrusive thought which i reacted insanely shocked on and immediately shut it off. But i really bothers me because these type of thoughts never go away. I dont really associate with the LGBTQ community while i do speculate being aromantic i just dont wanna be associated with them

 

[gaylarpmaster]

no not all, im happy being a man and i have always been but anything that threatens my self identity terrifies me deeply in my heart. Because i know its not me but the thoughts wont stop. I once almost had developed POCD (pedo OCD) just because of one intrusive thought which i reacted insanely shocked on and immediately shut it off. But i really bothers me because these type of thoughts never go away. I dont really associate with the LGBTQ community while i do speculate being aromantic i just dont wanna be associated with them

huh well ohhh thanks for explaining

 

[Delusionaldesire]

\I read the whole thing and honestly, I get why ur like thus , OCD is literally the worst because it finds whatever you actually care about and tries to convince you of the exact opposite, and arguing with it just makes it louder., so getting caught in those thought loops or acting impulsively makes total sense. None of those thoughts fr define u
If you wanna get out of this cycle, your best bet is finding a therapist who specifically knows OCD and does something like ERP, since normal like sometyimes therapists don't always get how intrusive thoughts work. You don't even have to explain all the details someone important, or your doctor something like, "Hey, my OCD and intrusive thoughts are getting way too overwhelming and I really need to see a specialis or smt." While you're waiting to get set up, try to stop debating the thoughts when they pop u and let it pass. You got this getting the right help makes things so much easier.

You really described it beautifully accurate. Im am indeed getting therapy for it soon but it really haunts me how it targets anything i love, care or be confident about.

 

[extraterrestrial]

did read every molecule sorry for you bhai and i also have slight ocd since like 7 its not fun but managable i dont care about it anymore i just ignore the shit and it gets better idk

 

[Delusionaldesire]

did read every molecule sorry for you bhai and i also have slight ocd since like 7 its not fun but managable i dont care about it anymore i just ignore the shit and it gets better idk

Yes but since i have it severely my mind will obsess over it which makes it take months or even years to go away

 

[ced]

OCD is the worst
im sorry ur going through this
all the advice i can real offer is

the way ur brain works will never change
so try to do things that relive the stress
like going outside and connecting with nature
i know it sounds cliché
but its very healing

 

[extraterrestrial]

OCD is the worst
im sorry ur going through this
all the advice i can real offer is

the way ur brain works will never change
so try to do things that relive the stress
like going outside and connecting with nature
i know it sounds cliché
but its very healing

ye nature helps a lot

 

[Delusionaldesire]

ye nature helps a lot

Its the only thing that calms me down. I sadly cant fix the root issue and im stuck with this my entire life, i always try to distract myself

 

[ced]

ye nature helps a lot

nigga sais exectly what i said and OP
reps him
im done.

 

[Delusionaldesire]

nigga sais exectly what i said and OP
reps him
im done.

I forgot to rep everything, i was taking a shit brother. My bad

 

[extraterrestrial]

Its the only thing that calms me down. I sadly cant fix the root issue and im stuck with this my entire life, i always try to distract myself

therapy could also work ive never been there and honestly dont plan to go since ive kind of learned to live with it but id still recommend it so try that bhai it will get better i hope

 

[iloveadmins]

First of all, intrusive thoughts:
(Read thoroughly!!)

My entire life my OCD has been feeding on my fears and self identity. Every year it has chosen a new thing to make me worry and stress about since the age of 5. First it was death then it was suicide after that it became loneliness. After a while it changed directions, it started attacking my self identity and confidence. It made me develop SO-OCD (The fear of being a sexuality that doesnt align with your feelings nor real thoughts) , or to be more specific HOCD. HOCD had me terrified of being gay even though i never felt sexual or romantic attraction to men my entire life. It influenced everything in my life, i tried fighting back and it made me act on intrusive thoughts i didnt want which made do things i dont want to recall. It fed on my dopamine receptors and trying to convince myself it would give me dopamine, which it never did. The word gay would instantly trigger this voice and its intrusive thoughts, luckily after a year it went away and i felt fully confident with who i am and i loved dating girls. But recently its feeding on another trigger with my self identity, its now suddenly starting to claim i apparently had gender disphoria. Which i can tell you I DONT. I love being a guy i love pussy and i love having a dick. I would never want to be a female. But because i went into a argument with the voice and brushed it off and told it im comfortable in my own body it started pushing further to annoy and perish me. My ocd loves to make me struggle and feed on my self identity or anything im confident about. Constantly bringing be down.

Second of all: Impulses:

My OCD has made me very impulsive individual. I often react before i think and mess things up, i often ruin social conversation because i accident say what i think. I act on impulses of intrusive thoughts no matter how bad they are. I fight my hardest to not give in to this unwanted urge but it happens either way. I often do clumsy things which i regret later and i cant reverse it. It has ruined relationships for me too. I often check things ive already check over and over because i feel like i forgot something, which causes me to come late for school alot of times.

Last of all: Obsessive thoughts

Whenever i have a unwanted thought about something my mind doesnt want to forget it. It remembers everything and keeps repeating it in my head, it could be songs playing over and over in my head throughout the day or voices telling me things i dont want to hear and which hurt me. My mind starts obsessing about anything i talk about or hyperfixate about, which causes me to lose interest fast in things that aren’t of my interest. While it gives me memory as strong of steel it really combines bad with my ADHD and autism. It has made me obsess over the slightest imperfections in someones behavior, face, height, body, personality and interests. This causes my brain to overwork and makes me go insane and start questioning everything i dare to think or do.

This was a high effort vent thread, PLEASE read thoroughly before replying.

Thank you guys for reading!!

High-dose SSRI.