I've always struggled to make friends. I am 19 years old as of writing this.
I grew up in an abusive household, where in my house I always kept queit and made sure to not say anything out of line that could have gotten me punished. However so in my years of 6-10 years old whenever i was outside the house I was popular and confident outside my home, I was the class clown and a bully with a friend group of around 9 people all in which i spent plenty of time with everyday outside of school. However in highschool I would bully my friends and I had extreme anxiety so if anyone other than my tightly-knit friend group talked to me whether it was a popular boy or any girl ugly or not my face would always go dark red which just made my anxiety even worse. It got to the point I didn't want to go to school because I hated talking to anyone so much, however the thought of staying home terrified me unless I was glued to my xbox to distract me from the constant fear.
Now after finishing highschool (16 years old, i left early) all of my "friends" in highschool stopped communicating with me almost instantly from when i left school, they only acted like they liked me because i would bully them and they liked class and lunch being eventful by them laughing at me bullying someone in the friend group, vultures. At 17 while I was working as a labourer I became a gymcel, I would eat around 5500-7k calories a day and spent everyday in the gym after my 8 hour shift while the only friend i had or sometimes spent time with was my childhood best friend since we were 5 years old, however from my fraud pics on instagram a ltb slid into my dms and we started talking important to note i had never had a girlfriend or anything close until this, which would've been great however I was 110kg and a very obese gymcel, I lied to her and said that I had a 8 week boxing camp so I couldn't see her until after, however in reality i started dialing in and ate 1200 calories a day with 2 and a half hours of cardio and 8 hours of labouring every single day, I lost around 15kg and i finally met up for the first date only to realise she was frauding heavily in the snaps she was sending me, the date went relatively well apart from my face being red the entire time and her noticing that i had a boner from her head being on my shoulder in the cinema.
I kept going to the gym and during the relationship i noticed just how much attention I was getting from very beautiful women (hmtb+) also I went to the club a lot during the relationship and I was getting a lot of attention there too, I started redirecting my efforts into looksmaxxing during the relationship and she eventually broke up with me because she was a whore (factual) and I was extremely manipulative and hated her but was scared of being alone again (she knew this, was very demeaning) so she breaks up with me and as soon as it hits friday i go to this goth club and next thing you know i was being hit on by girls and by the end of the night i got my dick sucked. This fueled my ego a lot. I started dating apps and next thing you know I was on a date and getting with another girl not even a week after, we got in a relationship but once my satisfaction was filled (3 weeks) I broke up with her and by the next weekend i started going on dates with this hmtb and we lasted 7 months, she was a complete whore, i decided since i was a bad partner in my first relationship i'd just come to terms with whatever my partner wanted, so with this girl, she booked a trip to ibiza without telling me, she went to bars near every weekend and wore slutty clothes. She eventually broke up with me because "she's too young and doesn't want to miss out" basically just calling herself a slut.
Now at this point its summer last year, I went completely manic and got diagnosed with BPD and Psychosis however refused medication completely, first two weeks of summer I had an empty house, which were spent everyday drinking and fucking some bitch either from my insta or from hinge that was dumb enough to go to a guys house to watch netflix without even meeting them first, after this i just spent everyday even mondays at clubs fucking random girls at after parties or their house aslong as they were mmtb+ with a couple exceptions when i was thirsty, now I'm in a happy relationship with a htb that actually listens to what I have to say and my boundaries, however that is not the point of this post.
Ever since my first relationship I've had to fill the void of loneliness with women, as i see men as harder to become actual friends with, getting to the stage with a guy were ur not just "pals" but actually friends were you play games together and hang out etc, whenever I'm meeting someone new I feel like im not smiling the right way, or my tone of voice isn't good, or I worry my laugh isn't as contagious as others and I extremely struggle to have a good conversation with a new guy I just met that I haven't known in ages. I feel like a social outcast who can't communicate unless its someone i've known for ages, or a dumb girl that will just eat up whatever I say. I literally can't make friends and even if it seems like im getting close i lose them rapidly.
I grew up in an abusive household, where in my house I always kept queit and made sure to not say anything out of line that could have gotten me punished. However so in my years of 6-10 years old whenever i was outside the house I was popular and confident outside my home, I was the class clown and a bully with a friend group of around 9 people all in which i spent plenty of time with everyday outside of school. However in highschool I would bully my friends and I had extreme anxiety so if anyone other than my tightly-knit friend group talked to me whether it was a popular boy or any girl ugly or not my face would always go dark red which just made my anxiety even worse. It got to the point I didn't want to go to school because I hated talking to anyone so much, however the thought of staying home terrified me unless I was glued to my xbox to distract me from the constant fear.
Now after finishing highschool (16 years old, i left early) all of my "friends" in highschool stopped communicating with me almost instantly from when i left school, they only acted like they liked me because i would bully them and they liked class and lunch being eventful by them laughing at me bullying someone in the friend group, vultures. At 17 while I was working as a labourer I became a gymcel, I would eat around 5500-7k calories a day and spent everyday in the gym after my 8 hour shift while the only friend i had or sometimes spent time with was my childhood best friend since we were 5 years old, however from my fraud pics on instagram a ltb slid into my dms and we started talking important to note i had never had a girlfriend or anything close until this, which would've been great however I was 110kg and a very obese gymcel, I lied to her and said that I had a 8 week boxing camp so I couldn't see her until after, however in reality i started dialing in and ate 1200 calories a day with 2 and a half hours of cardio and 8 hours of labouring every single day, I lost around 15kg and i finally met up for the first date only to realise she was frauding heavily in the snaps she was sending me, the date went relatively well apart from my face being red the entire time and her noticing that i had a boner from her head being on my shoulder in the cinema.
I kept going to the gym and during the relationship i noticed just how much attention I was getting from very beautiful women (hmtb+) also I went to the club a lot during the relationship and I was getting a lot of attention there too, I started redirecting my efforts into looksmaxxing during the relationship and she eventually broke up with me because she was a whore (factual) and I was extremely manipulative and hated her but was scared of being alone again (she knew this, was very demeaning) so she breaks up with me and as soon as it hits friday i go to this goth club and next thing you know i was being hit on by girls and by the end of the night i got my dick sucked. This fueled my ego a lot. I started dating apps and next thing you know I was on a date and getting with another girl not even a week after, we got in a relationship but once my satisfaction was filled (3 weeks) I broke up with her and by the next weekend i started going on dates with this hmtb and we lasted 7 months, she was a complete whore, i decided since i was a bad partner in my first relationship i'd just come to terms with whatever my partner wanted, so with this girl, she booked a trip to ibiza without telling me, she went to bars near every weekend and wore slutty clothes. She eventually broke up with me because "she's too young and doesn't want to miss out" basically just calling herself a slut.
Now at this point its summer last year, I went completely manic and got diagnosed with BPD and Psychosis however refused medication completely, first two weeks of summer I had an empty house, which were spent everyday drinking and fucking some bitch either from my insta or from hinge that was dumb enough to go to a guys house to watch netflix without even meeting them first, after this i just spent everyday even mondays at clubs fucking random girls at after parties or their house aslong as they were mmtb+ with a couple exceptions when i was thirsty, now I'm in a happy relationship with a htb that actually listens to what I have to say and my boundaries, however that is not the point of this post.
Ever since my first relationship I've had to fill the void of loneliness with women, as i see men as harder to become actual friends with, getting to the stage with a guy were ur not just "pals" but actually friends were you play games together and hang out etc, whenever I'm meeting someone new I feel like im not smiling the right way, or my tone of voice isn't good, or I worry my laugh isn't as contagious as others and I extremely struggle to have a good conversation with a new guy I just met that I haven't known in ages. I feel like a social outcast who can't communicate unless its someone i've known for ages, or a dumb girl that will just eat up whatever I say. I literally can't make friends and even if it seems like im getting close i lose them rapidly.
